After having my first child in 2019, I gradually became inundated with the mental stress and responsibility of being a mom. I came across the app Mindful Mamas and now think it is one of the most helpful tools I have used to become comfortable with being a parent.
When I brought my daughter home for the first time I was full of excitement. People had warned me that I would be tired and stressed. I took their words lightly and assumed I would be a wonderful mother who always loved her child regardless of the situation.
I knew nothing about the mental limits a person can be pressed to when caring for a small child.
Things were going well until my daughter neared six months. By that time the novelty of the baby wore off and I really started to settle into being a mom. I felt exhausted, bored and had very little time to myself.
One evening I remember being relieved to lay down and go to sleep, and then suddenly my daughter started crying in the other room. Ugh! Something snapped in me and I felt anger like I had never felt before. I went to tend to her while my blood boiled.
After that night the image I had of myself being a loving mother was shattered. Questions started flooding into my mind. Am I suited to be a mother? Is my child safe around me? Do I need the father to be at home at all times to ensure the baby’s safety? My thoughts also became dark, which was by far the most awful experience I have ever had in my life.
To make matters worse, I was living in a life of extreme solitude in a small rural community where I had no friends to talk to, no family members I felt close with and no parent groups near by. Not to mention all local events were canceled because of COVID!
I was home with my daughter day in and day out, stuck in my own mind whirling with fear, doubt and questions. I was scared to tell someone about the experience I was having (even a therapist), and had no one to turn to.
One day I decided to search the term “mom” on the Google app store. The app Mindful Mamas appeared. I read the brief description about it and decided to download it to see what it was about.
Turns out it is an app with the purpose of teaching mothers to meditate and be mindful. For a few weeks each night before bed I would listen to a 10-minute recording on the app. Some of the recordings touched exactly on the mental challenges I was experiencing.
One recording talked about identifying and labeling thoughts. The soothing female voice recommended to acknowledge positive thoughts, embrace them and soak them in. She also recommended to acknowledge negative thoughts, but to not instantly try to purge them from the mind. Instead negative thoughts should be recognized and briefly accepted, and then continue to “float by.”
These simple mental tricks were helpful for me to deal with the internal turmoil I was having. I continued to care for my daughter, taking one day at a time. Soon days went by, weeks went by and then months went by.
I started to realize that I was the loving mother I always envisioned myself to be. I was just hit head on with a new life that I had absolutely no idea how to handle and had no support around me.
I now am excited to be expecting my second baby, this time a boy! Occasionally I worry that I will have a similar experience as I had with my daughter, but I just remember to take one day at a time. Now I know a little more about what life is like as a parent, and have decided to continue this journey.
I appreciate the Mindful Mamas app for cluing me in on how to be more mindful about the thoughts I was having, and how to cope with the new life of motherhood.
To parents who are going through a similar experience as I did, I recommend to definitely be in tune with your needs. Do seek the help that is adequate for you, whether it is speaking to friends, family or seeing a therapist. The Mindful Mamas app is another tool available to help you on your journey.
Lauren Ell was born and raised in Southern California. She was raised in what she calls a “secular” Christian household. She has been living in Sweden since 2016 with her Swedish partner, and gave birth to her first child in 2019.