My partner and I have a 12 year age gap. When I first relocated from the US to be with him in Sweden, I was in my early 30s and he was in his early 40s. His parents were the first real introduction to me about caring for the elderly.
By this time his father, whom I had never met, had already passed away from cancer. He said his father suddenly became ill and doctors found he had a progressed stage of cancer that quickly led to his death.
I met his sweet mother, who was in her mid-70s and was living alone. She invited us over for simple dinners she made, and I could see she was waning mentally. Doctors reported she had poor blood circulation in her brain and was suffering from a form of Alzheimer’s.
Much of the time she was completely silent when we visited her. When she did speak her words were slow, and she often forgot what she intended to say.
Soon she completely gave up driving, and my partner offered to drive her anywhere she wanted to go. She also suffered from foot pain that doctors and surgery failed to cure, so she stayed home watching TV. She refused to use crutches to walk or any other form of assistance. That was when her mental state quickly took a downturn.
We took her out when we could, but she could not walk far and did not have much interest in going anywhere. One evening she attempted to walk to our house without calling us. We received a phone call from a relative who had encountered her on the other side of the neighborhood. She had gotten lost.
My partner and I eventually had a baby, which added more responsibilities to our plate. We were caring for an aging parent while also caring for a child.
Thankfully my partner’s sister, who lived further away, was also fairly involved in caring for their mother, such as making doctor calls, scheduling appointments and visiting when she could. But often my partner and I would be the ones to shovel snow in her yard, buy her groceries and do a 30-45 minute drive to doctors appointments at the nearest hospital.
We also visited her multiple times a week to keep her company, which was fine since our daughter was able to spend more time with her. Unfortunately many people in the community stopped visiting her completely. Perhaps they did not like seeing their friend become weaker, or they preferred to not sit with someone who could not communicate. I really wish people in the community would have visited her more often, it would have given her more interaction and put less pressure on us to constantly check on her.
It dawned on me that there are probably increasing numbers of parents in the same situation we are in. People are having children later in life, which means that their own parents are in a later stage of life. They are caring for children while also caring for parents.
I now want to plan more for my own parents’ future, who are not far away from needing extra care. My dad, only 65, recently had a stroke. Who will be there to care for them? What resources are available to help them continue the life they prefer? I have never given thought to these questions before, and know there are many new parents asking the same questions for the first time.
As a result, Atheist Moms has started compiling resources about caring for aging parents. We hope these resources will help guide new parents on the topic of elderly care and reduce stress in their family when the time comes to care for a loved one.
To view the resources, click here.
Lauren Ell was born and raised in Southern California. She was raised in what she calls a “secular” Christian household. She has been living in Sweden since 2016 with her Swedish partner, and gave birth to her first child in 2019.